Posted on

Sleep creative writing

Does this sound like a good description of someone falling asleep due exhaustion? Anything I can do to make it sound better? [closed]

Want to improve this question? Update the question so it’s on-topic for Writing Stack Exchange.

Closed 6 years ago .

I’m trying to describe somebody falling asleep from exhaustion, in first person. I’m currently using a longer, detailed description, but is that the best way?

Never had a few moments deliberation seemed like an eternity as I feel my consciousness ebbing away, and my thoughts, as clear and concise as they were mere moments ago, were coming to an end. My eyes grow heavy from the strenuous effects of excessive agitation of the brain–that faculty which, in all its strength, I had not prepared for such a weakness. At once, I was struck with incoherence, an inconsistency to my thoughts, as I kneeled down and leaned a shoulder against the wall—for I had already decided to give myself away to my pursuer, to exhaustion, to be dead to the world before the rest of me ever hit the cold concrete floor…

@MonicaCellio : I’d think under current site rules, we’d close this as a critique question. Any reason you edited rather than closing?

@Standback my finger hovered over the “close” link, but it seemed like this could be tweaked to ask a more specific question, and it seems like the level of detail/verbosity is the key factor here. But I could go either way — there were no votes from the community, so I tried the edit.

Just how import is sleeping to the story and the character doing it? With a long winded description like this, it’s like waving a red flag and shouting into a blow horn saying: This is important remember this! If it’s not important, say: I fell asleep. Move the story along never fall so in love with your own writing that the story is pushed back for overdone descriptions.

4 Answers 4

A bit too wordy for my taste, but that’s purely subjective. I’d have to see the rest of the piece to make a better judgement. The overall imagery could work. The long, run-on sentences work well in showing fatigue, but some of it might need a bit of a clean up. For example:

My eyes grow heavy from the overwhelming effects of excessive agitation of the brain for which, in all its power, I had not prepared for its weakness.

This sentence is just not right. If you leave out the inserted sentence “in all its power”, you get:

My eyes grow heavy from the overwhelming effects of excessive agitation of the brain for which I had not prepared for its weakness.

which makes no sense, grammatically.

At once, I was struck with incoherence—an inconsistency to my thoughts, as I kneeled down and leaned a shoulder against the wall—for I had already decided to give myself away to my pursuer—to exhaustion—to be dead to the world before the rest of me ever hit the cold concrete floor…

There are so many — here that I don’t know to what they refer to, what sections are they surrounding. For example, it looks as if “—an inconsistency to my thoughts, as I kneeled down and leaned a shoulder against the wall—” is an inserted sentence, which makes no sense. I believe you were going for “At once, I was struck with incoherence — an inconsistency to my thoughts — as I kneeled down and leaned a shoulder against the wall” but even so, the em dashes make it so awkward. I think it would look somewhat clearer like this:

At once, I was struck with incoherence, an inconsistency to my thoughts, as I kneeled down and leaned a shoulder against the wall—for I had already decided to give myself away to my pursuer, to exhaustion, to be dead to the world before the rest of me ever hit the cold concrete floor…

It’s still a pretty awkward sentence though. As I said already, long, run-on sentences are perfect for this situation, but they still need to be clear and readable to the reader. I had to go back several times to get my head around it.

sleep – quotes and descriptions to inspire creative writing

I have always felt a serenity upon sleeping. I love my bed. I love to dream. I love the moments between wakefulness and sleep. The feeling of my brain shifting gears is so sweet. I start to see it play its movies, always telling me things in visual puns and metaphor. Sleep is a kind of heaven for me, though I love my waking days too.

Sleep comes so that my dreams may live.

When the stars come out to play and the evening takes on that aroma of the night, when the crickets sing for the joy of living, my bed awaits. I love the softness, the quiet, the sense of rest. My thoughts slow as a beautiful carousel, each dancing as ribbons from a kite string that reaches for sky, its colours embracing those lofty heights and inviting in the dreams that wear festival costumes and are formed of music. In sleep, as in wakefulness, I play.

In sleep I feel the cradle of the loving universe, as if for those hours of dreaming I am returned to heaven’s arms.

falling asleep – quotes and descriptions to inspire creative writing

With a stretch and a yawn he made fell asleep snuggled right into me, he was always the big spoon, I was always the little spoon. Falling asleep in his arms was my safe place, my cocoon.

Evening in the city, in the graphite-lullaby, each vivid hue collects their boarding pass for the land of dreams.

Falling asleep was one of the best parts of the day, there in the cozy blankets, snug and safe, letting the world of dreams come to her in its dancing way.

Bed was my safe place, my haven. I’d snuggle into the duvet as happy as a cat in the sunlight, ready for my starry dreams. I’d fall asleep in good time, either slowly or fast, either way I enjoyed that feeling of relaxing.